Every year, the 14th of February is traditionally known as Valentine’s Day, a celebration where love and romance are supposed to be at the forefront.
Valentine’s Day is meant to surprise a special person in your life with flowers, gifts, or romantic activities.
Every year, I receive a lot of questions about Valentine’s Day, from “do autistic people understand what Valentine’s Day means to their partner?” to “what can I buy for my (autistic) husband/wife to let them know I love them?”. Most of the questions already contain the answer, and I answer most of them with the same sentence: “Ask them in your own way.”
Experiencing and giving love is the hardest thing there is, and… the most important thing to me.
As an autistic person, that also means a number of extra challenges besides the usual daily struggles. Some of these challenges include not knowing how to respond to unexpected romantic declarations or gestures from others or finding it difficult to convey your own feelings for someone. Especially if the other person, for example on Valentine’s Day, has all sorts of expectations that I find hard to guess or imagine.
Expressing love and infatuation is, to put it mildly, not that easy for me, as it is one of the most complex forms of social interaction and expressing emotions. I find it very difficult to connect with other people and express exactly what I feel without it coming across as inappropriate or bizarre. I do think it is very important, because I do not like to be seen as someone who cannot reciprocate the feelings of others who love me.
The stereotype is that autistic people are not able to experience and give love as it is expected. I think this is usually true when it comes to “as it is expected.” I often experience deeper connections with some people and often see love in a different way than many other people. Sometimes I even wonder if “ordinary” people can experience love at all, except in a “love triangle” with societal norms as an annoying third party.
On the one hand, Valentine’s Day offers yet another opportunity to celebrate my love for my beloved and other important people in my life in a unique and creative way. On the other hand, there doesn’t necessarily have to be any other reason for that than the start of a new day. I don’t need another hyper-commercial (American) holiday to let my loved one know what I feel and want to celebrate.
Try not to worry about traditional ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day
In fact, I feel better about it happening casually, without an occasion. I do have to remind myself occasionally to let my beloved know that I still feel a lot of love for her. In the confusion of thoughts, feelings, and behaviour throughout the day, I often forget to let her know, with a word or gesture, how much I love her.
If there is something I want to convey on this “holiday,” it is that we do not have to worry about traditional Valentine’s Day celebrations. It may be that you prefer to spend the day alone or with other people you like in your environment, rather than with a romantic partner. There is nothing wrong with that, on the contrary.
Valentine’s Day should not necessarily be a negative or exhausting experience
Valentine’s Day doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative or exhausting experience. Letting someone know that you love them and would like to do something together doesn’t have to be spontaneous, unexpected, or unannounced.
The most enjoyable activities my partner and I have done were organized to some extent and agreed upon a few days beforehand.
When it comes to Valentine’s Day, I think it’s important to set clear expectations, focus on activities that we both enjoy or find meaningful, and cater to what gives us both a good sensory experience, such as certain favorite scents, tastes, and touches. Rather than trying to meet societal expectations on Valentine’s Day, we choose to do something that fits our relationship. This can range from watching a movie, going for a walk, or making something together like artwork or a meal. It could also mean going to our favorite restaurant together to eat our favorite dish.
Activities my beloved and I have done were more or less organised and agreed upon a few days prior. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, I find it important to set clear expectations, focus on activities that we both enjoy or find meaningful, and cater to what gives us both a good sensory feeling, such as certain favourite scents, tastes and touches. Rather than trying to meet societal expectations of Valentine’s Day, we choose to do something that fits our relationship. This can range from cosying up to watch a movie, going for a walk or creating something together, like an artwork or a meal. It may also involve going to our favourite restaurant to enjoy our favourite dish together.
Finally, here are some tips for Valentine’s Day if you want to support an autistic person in your life
At its core, Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love in all its forms, not just romantic love. Understanding the sometimes unique ways autistic people experience love is part of this. When I wasn’t yet with my beloved, I often experienced people around me thinking I needed a nudge in the romantic direction. Rather than taking my comfort zone into account and showing respect for my social preferences, they thought they needed to pair me with someone for an activity that caused me so much stress it was traumatic. These were often overwhelming situations in which I had little room to express my feelings in a way that was comfortable for me.
Therefore, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be a ‘make or break’ moment or an opportunity to help someone find romantic love or infatuation. It can also be an excellent opportunity to let autistic people in your life know that they are loved and appreciated. Through clear communication, understanding and respect, you can encourage autistic people to experience and express love and infatuation in a creative or social way that suits their unique individual nature. So that Valentine’s Day is not a trauma or a difficult day, but an opportunity to express and experience love in all possible ways.”
The European Autist 