“Is it autistic when my wife ends up eating in the car when going out?” … autism and relationships

Gianni (or Gi) wrote me an email asking for advice. He and his wife Kim have different views on eating out. Kim likes to leave the restaurant as soon as the food is served. They end up eating in their car. She does this to have her own space, where she can watch YouTube or read a book without anyone watching. Gianni thinks cars are for driving, not for hanging out. He doesn’t like this habit of Kim’s.

Kim says Gianni is being autistic for making this a problem. Gianni thinks Kim’s behavior is autistic. They have a son diagnosed with the kind of autism often found in scientists. Gianni asks if I recognize any autistic traits in either of them, and what they should do.

Firstly, I see some of both of you in my own experiences. I understand the desire to leave a noisy place quickly, and I also get the idea that cars are for driving. Whether this is about autism is less important, especially since neither of you is formally diagnosed.

Being similar to me doesn’t make either of you autistic. I wouldn’t label behaviors that seem ‘autistic’ to you as such. My partner and I are both diagnosed autistic, but we don’t focus on labeling each other’s behaviors.

As for eating out, my partner and I go to restaurants infrequently. When we do, we try to eat there. We both feel it when a place is too much for us, sensory-wise. In such cases, we either choose another restaurant or order food to be delivered at home. Usually, we manage to stay in the restaurant, but we plan ahead, keeping both our needs in mind.

We also prefer quick meals; we’re not into long dining experiences. We think of eating as something functional. My advice? Talk openly with Kim to understand her preferences. Maybe she wants to eat somewhere quiet and is using sensory overload as an excuse not to hurt your feelings.

About eating in the car, we usually avoid it. We also think cars are for driving. If we had to eat on the go, we’d likely choose a nice outdoor spot over our car. In the end, no one will judge us there if we act a bit ‘odd’ or suddenly start kissing.