As an adult with autism and a person with lived experience, I found Peter Vermeulen’s book “Autism and the Predictive Brain: Absolute Thinking in a Relative World” to be a compelling read. It provided me with new insights into how my brain functions. These insights are not only scientifically intriguing but have also prompted me to reflect on my daily life, particularly in the realm of love and relationships. In this article, I would like to share my personal experiences and reflections on how the predictive brain influences my love life and the strategies that help me improve my relationship with my partner.
Understanding the Predictive Brain
Vermeulen explains that our brain continuously makes predictions about what is going to happen based on past experiences and the context in which we find ourselves. This means that our brain actively anticipates what might come next, rather than passively waiting for information. For me, and many other people with autism, predictability is a crucial factor for well-being. Unexpected changes can cause stress and anxiety, which also impacts relationships.
Sensory Processing and Intimacy
One of the challenges in my relationship is the sensory hypersensitivity I experience. This can range from the sound of the television to the feeling of certain fabrics against my skin. Intimacy can become complex as sensory stimuli can sometimes be overwhelming. I find it helpful to communicate openly about which sensory stimuli are pleasant or unpleasant, as it helps to create mutual understanding. Creating a comfortable environment together that takes these sensitivities into account also helps make intimate moments more enjoyable. Additionally, patience and respect are, of course, important in discovering what works for both of us.
Communication as the Key to Success
Communication issues are another significant aspect in relationships where autism plays a role. Sometimes I do not understand subtle non-verbal signals, which can lead to misunderstandings. Explicit and clear communication is therefore crucial. I find it helpful to be explicit, clear but friendly in my communication to avoid misunderstandings, leaving little to the imagination but at the same time, there is no lack of fantasy between us. We also find it helpful to avoid implicit messages between each other and to be direct about feelings and expectations. This can sometimes come across as harsh, but we often know where we stand, and what we both think. We also use much more written communication or visual support than conversations to better understand each other.
Dealing with Uncertainty and Prediction Errors
Uncertainty and unexpected changes can throw my brain off balance. This can lead to anxiety and stress, which can strain the relationship. I find it important to create pleasant routines and rituals together that provide predictability and stability for both of us. The creation of routines and rituals is a continuous process, so contrary to what some might think, there is less chance of monotony or boredom. It also helps us to be open about expectations and to respond patiently to prediction errors. When unexpected problems arise, which is almost inevitable, we feel that working together and seeking help from others to find solutions strengthens our relationship.
Practical Strategies for an Autism-Friendly Love Relationship
Based on the insights from Vermeulen’s book and my own experiences, I have some experience with these tips that can make a relationship with an autistic partner more enjoyable:
- Clear Communication: Be clear and explicit to avoid misunderstandings. This helps to better understand each other and avoid conflicts.
- Predictable Routines: Establish routines and rituals together that provide stability. This reduces stress and creates a safe environment. Refresh these routines and rituals together and timely.
- Respect for Sensory Needs: Acknowledge and respect each other’s sensory sensitivities. This can range from adjustments at home to how you deal with physical touch.
- Flexibility and Patience: Be patient and flexible in dealing with changes and prediction errors. Understanding and patience are essential for a healthy relationship.
- Joint Problem Solving: Work together to solve problems and challenges. This strengthens your bond and promotes mutual understanding.
Conclusion
The book “Autism and the Predictive Brain” has helped me better understand how my brain works and how this affects my relationship. By applying the theory of the predictive brain, we can improve our relationships through communication, predictability, and mutual respect. It is my hope that my experiences and these insights will help others build stronger and more understanding relationships.
Source: Autism and the Predictive brain: Absolute Thinking in a Relative World / Peter Vermeulen (Routledge, 2023)
The European Autist 