As an autistic I often avoid eye contact to listen better, finding it exhausting and distracting, needing understanding and alternative communication.
In social situations, I often find eye contact uncomfortable or exhausting. Many people see this as a problem that needs fixing because they consider eye contact essential for social and emotional communication. However, for me, eye contact is neither the only nor the best way to connect with others.
Scientific studies indicate that people with autism, like myself, avoid eye contact because it makes us uncomfortable. Eye contact can trigger feelings of discomfort or anxiety, making it genuinely unpleasant for us. Other studies show that my brain consumes more energy when I have to understand social signals and eye expressions.
When I look into someone’s eyes, I tend to notice their beauty rather than the emotions they might convey. While I can admire countless beautiful eyes, I have yet to discern any emotions in them. Despite my aversion to eye contact, I enjoy studying the various details, colors, and anatomical beauty of eyes. I am particularly fascinated by women’s eyes without makeup.
When it comes to eye contact, I distinguish between indifferent gazing and intentional avoidance. It’s not that I actively avoid looking into others’ eyes; in fact, I am drawn to them. However, this distracts me from what the other person is saying. While others might be distracted by certain body shapes, perfume, clothing, status, or appearance, I get distracted by the structure and color palette of the eyes.
In my younger years, I was often forced to make eye contact. People told me it was part of normal life, polite, and a sign that you are listening. I remember a specific instance in primary school where the teacher sternly told me, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” This made me not only uncomfortable but also anxious. Later scientific research has shown that forced eye contact leads to abnormally high activity in the brain regions responsible for recognizing faces and understanding emotional reactions, such as fear or happiness. It’s better to understand this than to try to fix it, as it can lead to brain damage and extreme fatigue.
My approach to eye contact stems from a natural insensitivity to social signals from eyes and a stronger focus on details.
In summary, when I try to interpret information during social interactions, I do so not with my eyes but with other communication tools. Eye contact consumes too much of my brain’s energy, is too much effort, and often leads to misunderstandings. At the same time, I pay more attention to the details of eyes; I see them as moving parts and beautiful spheres whose color variations and movements fascinate me. This fascination can sometimes overstimulate me because I dive so deeply into it.
My approach to eye contact stems from a combination of a natural insensitivity to social signals from eyes, a stronger focus on details, and difficulty interpreting the meaning that others derive from eye contact. Therefore, to follow a conversation well, I avoid looking into eyes because they distract or tire me. Sometimes, I even close my eyes to better follow what my conversation partner is saying. Unfortunately, not everyone understands this approach.
Of course, every autistic person has their way of listening effectively and dealing with the challenges of eye contact. By understanding and respecting the diversity in handling eye contact and listening, we can create a more inclusive society where people like me, with different ways of being and communicating, can fully participate.
To promote inclusive interactions, it is useful to offer practical tips, such as: Be patient and do not demand forced eye contact. For example, give people the space to look away during conversations without considering it rude. Encourage alternative forms of communication, such as written or visual methods.
By understanding and respecting the diversity in handling eye contact and listening, we can create a more inclusive society
Finally, it is clear that there is still much work to be done to find understanding for eye contact that is not as most people expect. According to several autism experts who organized a conference on eye contact and autism several years ago, “it is important to recognize that eye contact can be an intense experience for many autistic people that distracts from effective communication.” If more people could understand this without immediately offering a ready-made solution to adjust eye contact, it would help us gain respect for the challenges and solutions regarding eye contact for autistic individuals.
The European Autist 