Navigating honesty and compassion in relationships with autism involves clear communication, empathy, and tailored strategies.
When it comes to loved ones, honesty is paramount. This is a widely accepted notion, even though it sometimes causes pain. However, love also means showing consideration for the other person. Noah, who has been happily married to his partner Leo, a man with autism, for many years, recently shared his experience with me, during a long talk.
Honest Communication
“Leo is a perfect example of ‘what you see is what you get.’ I never doubt his loving nature or good intentions,” Noah says. He explains that some people with autism can learn to communicate what’s happening without causing unnecessary hurt. They often deliberate on how to express their feelings, tailoring their words to the context and the people involved.
“Are autistic people incapable of anything but telling the sometimes painful truth, rather than a little white lie?” Noah asks himself and me. “Leo often tells me that he feels it’s a betrayal of himself if he sugarcoats or rephrases things, even if he knows his ‘autistic’ way of speaking might hurt someone’s feelings.”
Diverse Perspectives on Autism and Truth
I personally believe that nothing human is alien to autistic people. However, opinions on this matter vary. Some believe that autistic people always tell the truth without intending to hurt anyone. Others think that, with great effort and imperfect imitation, they can temper their words. Yet others view autistic individuals as people who feel deeply hurt themselves and are less concerned with the feelings of those around them.
The same divide appears in discussions on the subject of lying. Some say autistic people are saints who can’t convincingly lie, while others believe they can lie just as well as anyone else. ‘Telling the truth’ and ‘hurting feelings’ are heavily dependent on the context, the relationship, and the history between the so-called ‘offender’ and ‘offended’.
Personal Challenges with Communication
It’s challenging to make a judgment about the situation like Noah’s from my point of view. I can, however, share from my experience and how I strive to remain authentic without being seen as someone who disregards others’ feelings.
Like some other people with autism, I used to have a strong inner compulsion to always speak my truth. I value justice highly and find it difficult to express anything other than what I logically consider ‘correct,’ even if everyone around me feels or thinks differently.
Learning to Adapt
Even if my truth is accurate, it doesn’t mean others acknowledge my observations. Often, people feel ‘hurt’ by my straightforward answers to their questions. For example, when a friend asked for feedback on a project, I pointed out every flaw without considering their feelings. They were hurt, and it strained our relationship.
When I started studying and wanted to make a good impression to secure a job and a partner, I took assertiveness and communication training. These are sometimes recommended but rarely consider an autistic way of thinking, feeling, and communicating.
Through trial and error, I learned not to apply the communication advice I received too rigidly. Since then, I play it rather safe. I do my utmost to stay silent if I even slightly suspect that I might hurt someone’s feelings. If that means being overly cautious and having an annoying tendency to keep everyone happy, so be it. I’d rather avoid the hassle of dealing with hurt feelings, apologies (which often make things worse), making amends, and the like.
Managing Conflicting Logics
But before I know it, I’m stuck in a tangled web of conflicting logics. That’s why I’m known as introverted in most social settings. The only exception I make is in my relationship with my partner, my wife who also has autism. Not because we can’t help it due to our autism, quite the contrary. We believe that in a committed relationship, occasional (unintentional) hurt is inevitable. It doesn’t happen often, but we don’t shy away from it and make it clear when something hurts. We learn from each other all the time.
When staying silent isn’t an option with other people I care about, I do my best to approximate a white lie. I only do this when I know it will please them or at least avoid causing pain or trouble.
For instance, if a colleague asks if I like their presentation, I might say, “It was interesting,” even if I found it boring. I do this as little as possible. It takes an enormous amount of energy that I’d rather spend on enjoyable things. After all, I have to come up with something that won’t be detected as deceit or a lie by the other person’s system, and at the same time convince my own mind that it’s justified to tell it this way, despite the potential dramatic consequences I immediately envision.
The Struggle with White Lies
For some, telling a white lie is a breeze. For me, it’s more akin to preparing for a full-length play or concert. The truth, which the other person may not want to hear, must be delivered credibly, both verbally and non-verbally. I must stay in character and remain believable, no matter what. Whether this has anything to do with autism, I don’t know. Maybe others also construct elaborate scenarios to avoid stating things as they see them.
There’s a good chance I’ll regret it afterward. I can lose sleep over it. My ‘inner critic,’ my conscience, torments me before and after telling the ‘white lie.’ In my mind, there’s no such thing as a diminutive form of lying. My mind quickly extrapolates the consequences of my behavior on group and societal levels, even on a cosmic scale, far beyond the end of the next universe.
Choosing Honesty
So, sometimes, exhausted and sleepless, I end up telling the truth the other person apparently doesn’t want to hear, in a blunt manner. Despite the risk of hurting or angering the other person, I feel relieved afterward and can sleep again. But I’m also a bit annoyed at the other person for struggling to handle what I said, thinking there are others in their environment who say much more hurtful things.
So, if your husband Leo (once again) tells a hurtful truth or clumsily tries to sell a white lie, let him know it hurts. Or, in the case of the white lie, be touched that he puts so much effort into not hurting your feelings. Understand that this result comes from a lot of thought. Let him know you can also handle the ‘uncensored’ version. As it should be in every partnership, I believe. In the best case.
Practical Tips for Balancing Honesty and Compassion
- Communicate Openly: Establish clear communication channels where both partners feel safe to express their feelings and concerns. For example, set aside time each week to discuss your feelings and any issues that arise.
- Practice Empathy: Try to understand the other person’s perspective before responding. This can help tailor your honesty in a more compassionate way. If you needs to share a difficult truth, your beloved considers how itmight feel and tries to soften the delivery.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame your truth in a way that reflects your feelings rather than blaming the other person. For example, “I feel…” instead of “You always…” When discussing a conflict, Noah might say, “I feel hurt when you don’t acknowledge my efforts,” rather than “You never appreciate what I do.”
- Take a Pause: Before responding, take a moment to consider the impact of your words. Sometimes, a brief pause can help you reframe your thoughts more gently. If you are upset, you can take a few deep breaths before speaking to avoid saying something hurtful (or just say it, if you really want to).
- Seek Professional Guidance: Therapists or counselors, especially those (really) experienced with autism, can provide strategies for improving communication and understanding. We have found couples therapy helpful for navigating our communication challenges (but good friends might also do the thing)
Expanding on Professional Guidance
Seeking professional guidance can have a profound impact on relationships involving autism. Therapists with experience in autism can offer tailored strategies to help couples communicate more effectively and understand each other’s unique perspectives. For instance, a therapist or coach might teach specific communication techniques, such as active listening or reflective responses, which can help partners feel heard and validated.
In my own experience, really good professional guidance, that respects us as we are, has been invaluable. During couples therapy, my wife and I learned to recognize each other’s communication styles and how to bridge the gaps between them. Our solution-focused therapist introduced us to tools which helped us articulate our feelings without misunderstanding each other. This support not only improved our communication but also strengthened our emotional connection. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all autistic people.
Conclusion
Navigating honesty and compassion in relationships, especially those involving autism, is complex but deeply rewarding. By understanding and adapting to each other’s communication styles, couples can foster a more supportive and loving partnership. With practical strategies and, when needed, professional guidance, balancing honesty and compassion becomes more manageable, leading to deeper understanding and connection.
The European Autist 